For the 9th year, the California Gold Star Parents Honor and Remembrance event happened on February 20th and 21st, at The Marines’ Memorial Club in San Francisco. It is sponsored by The Blue Star Moms East Bay Chapter #101 and The Marines’ Memorial Association, along with a host of donors for this event.
We have been invited to this event for four years and have faithfully attended the past three. The first year, we were Gold Stars for just 4 months and we were not sure if we could handle it emotionally. The following year, 2012, we decided to go and see what it was all about, after all, we had already made it through the first year. We had been to TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors), the return of our son’s battalion, 3rd Battalion 5th Marines, from Afghanistan and the accompanying memorial service two weeks after that and candle lightings.
We were surprised to see the in-depth memorials at our late arrival back in 2012. The amount of love, devotion and dedication, we, as parents, take in honoring our child is, well, involved! The selections range from quilts, hand-made and given to the families, posters, collages, banners, photo albums, newspaper clippings, awarded medals – Bronze Star, Silver Star, Purple Hearts, folded flags in display cases, high school jerseys and military uniforms to banners. Anything and everything is possible when you want to honor your child. Your stroll slowly the tables and look at each veterans life so lovingly set up by their parent(s). You find that you are friends with some of the parents on Facebook, not knowing they were coming to the event. You make your introductions and talk in remembrance of your child. You hug.
The next morning is a candle lighting ceremony to take your breath away. It is done with elegance, reverence and respect. It is heart wrenching and heart consoling at the same time. That white rose you place in the vase is not only the symbol of your fallen hero but the symbol of the pure love we as a parent have for our child.
In the afternoon, there are small break out sessions guided by a person or persons who have been walking their journey for several years. Yes, they too, are Gold Star Parents. These small groups allow you to get to know someone and their loved one. It allows you to ask questions, to realize that others are either in the same place you are or have been there already. You feel that you can breathe a little easier knowing that someone is on the same journey you are. A journey that no one else can walk for you. A journey that is yours alone, so different from anyone else’s journey, yet you are supported. You hate that someone else has walked this path, yet you are grateful. They are still standing, walking, talking, but most importantly, breathing. It is possible!
You meet later for dinner and for the guest speaker. Our guest speaker in 2012, Lt. General John Kelly. This was a wonderful surprise for us since Lt. Gen. Kelly’s son, 1st Lt. Robert Kelly was in the same battalion as my son when they were both killed less than 4 weeks apart. We had meet the Kelly’s, John and Karen, on a couple prior occasions. It was a wonderful experience to talk with them on a level of parents, instead of General to civilian. The speech Lt. Gen Kelly gave was the most insightful, touching and inspiring speech I have yet heard to this date. A combination of military expertise with a military parent and then a Gold Star Dad made for a room with tears and resolve.
We went back in 2013 and experienced the same understanding and love. The guest speaker was Lt. Gen. John Toolan, Jr., the commanding general of 1st Marine Expeditionary Force, out of Camp Pendleton. We, again, felt blessed to talk with John and Helen Toolan, as our son was stationed out of Camp Pendleton. True, our son was already killed by the time Lt. Gen Toolan was there, but it was a common thread for us to hold onto.
This year, 2014, we were again pleasantly surprised to see Gen John Kelly and Karen Kelly. Gen Kelly was to be our guest speaker. What a true joy to hear him speak again. Gen Kelly is now Commander, US Southern Command. Col Willy Buhl, commanding officer of the Wounded Warrior Regiment at Marine Corps Base, was also in attendance. Col Buhl was commander of 5th Marine Regiment when my son was killed and made a special point to visit us when we were on base. Major Chris Esrey, commanding officer of Recruiting Station San Francisco, former 3/5 commanding officer I Co, during the time my son served, was present.
Why do I go every year? Is it to rub elbows with the Marines that served with my son? Is it to get my Marine hugs? Is it to listen to these phenomenal speakers? Is it to cry during the candle lighting ceremony? Is it to end the event, as we have for the past 2 years, with the 1st Marine Division Party Band? After all, they bring an upbeat mood to the end of an emotional 2 day event. As wonderful as all these reason are, not one of them is the reason we returned the past 2 years and will continue to make this a regular event on our yearly calendar.
The real reason we return every year is the people we meet – the moms and the dads that are trying to cope with the death of their military son or daughter. It is the friendships that we build and the bonds that we share that keep us coming back. It is the desire to find out how they are doing from one year to the next. It is in knowing that every one of these people have a hole in their heart just as we do. It is in going and meeting the new families, their first time there, the parents that have not gone through their 1st year yet. It is the need and the desire to reach out to these families, to take their hand, to listen to them talk about their hero or not talk about them and just sit there and let them cry or cry with them, to let them know they can walk this path, to let them know that any one of us and all of us are here for them, to give them a hug, and not just any hug – THAT HUG. It is a hug like no other. It is the most comforting, reassuring hug one can give or receive. It is a hug that lasts for what seems like an eternity where you can just melt away into someone who understands arms and feel almost normal again – a normal that will never exist again. A hug from some of the most wonderful people on earth you have ever met and yet you wish you have never met them. That hug from your family – your Gold Star Family – a hug like no other hug.